忘掉拥有一切，或者不拥有一切，倚靠(leaning in)或倾斜(Leaning out) - 这里才是你真正应该知道，但又没人告诉你的。

多年来（实际上是数十年年来），我们遭受有关专业发展的建议的狂轰滥炸，如何打破玻璃天花板以及如何实现工作与生活的平衡等等。我们对这点很清楚- 我们是普林斯顿的女性。如果有人可以克服专业上的障碍，这将是我们这些资质聪慧，足智多谋，又受过极佳教育的自我。

几个星期前，我参加了在校园里召开的妇女和领袖会议，校长雪莉-蒂尔格曼(Shirley Tilghman)和威尔逊学院教授安妮-玛丽斯劳特之间的对话是会议的卖点之一。之后我参加了分组讨论，让现在的本科女生有机会在一个非正式的场合里同年纪大一些，或许明智一些的校友交流。我从1973年大学新鲜人以来最要好的朋友和我一起参加了此次活动。与会的学生对有关专业成就和网络的重要性的评论并不是太留意，然而，当一个人问起肯德尔是如何和我保持了40年的友谊，话题的色调和感兴趣度都变了。你问我们是否互相嫉妒过，你问到我们的友谊的价值，问我们的丈夫和孩子。很显然，你不需要更多的职业建议。在你的心里，你知道有些你想要的东西却没有人提出建议。终生的朋友是其中之一，找到一个合适的人结婚是另一个。

七十年代中期当我还是一个本科生时候，我这一届的200名女性先驱者常常谈起在普林斯顿的满是阳刚之气的平原上穿行是​​以后寻求专业成功的前奏。作为一个从来不怯于发表不合潮流的意见的人，我说我要结婚生孩子。这被认为是异端邪说。

对于绝大多数人来说，你的未来和幸福的基石将同与你结婚的男人有着千丝万缕的联系，你将永远不会遇见这样密度的值得你所爱的男人了。

我给你的忠告是：毕业前在学校里找到一个丈夫。是的，我有切身的经验。

我是两个儿子的母亲，他们都是普林斯顿人。我的大儿子有良好的判断力及运气和他的同学结婚，但他是可以同任何人结婚的。我的小儿子是大三学生，他结婚的选择范围可以说是无限的。男人经常性地会娶年轻的，不那么聪明，教育程度较低的女人。你可能很奇怪地发现男人会对缺少知识才华的女人相当宽容，如果她是特别漂亮的话。然而，聪明的女人不能（也不应该）和达不到至少是同她们的智力相当的男人结婚的。作为普林斯顿的女性，我们差不多把自己标价标到市场之外了(Priced ourselves out of the market)。简单地说，男人中和我们一样聪明或比我们更聪明的人口是非常少的。让我再说一遍- 你将永远不会被这么多值得你的男人所包围了。

当然一旦你毕业了，你也可能遇上和你的智力相当的男人 - 只是没有多少这样的人。你也可以选择，除了一飞冲天的智力之外的其他的原因，嫁给一个男人。但是，没同像你一样聪明的人生活在一起最终会让你挫折不已。 

这里还有一件事你知道，却没有人谈论。当你是大学新鲜人的时候，有四个年级的男生们可以挑选。每过一年，你就失去了一个年级的选择对象，你又比新进来的大一男生要大。所以当你到了大四的时候，你基本上只有自己这一届的男生可选，而他们却有四个年级的女生可选择。也许你应该在还是新生的时候对他们好一点？

如果我有女儿，这是我会告诉她们的。

Forget about having it all, or not having it all, leaning in or leaning out — here’s what you really need to know that nobody is telling you.

For years (decades, really) we have been bombarded with advice on professional advancement, breaking through that glass ceiling and achieving work-life balance. We can figure that out — we are Princeton women. If anyone can overcome professional obstacles, it will be our brilliant, resourceful, very well-educated selves.

A few weeks ago, I attended the Women and Leadership conference on campus that featured a conversation between President Shirley Tilghman and Wilson School professor Anne-Marie Slaughter, and I participated in the breakout session afterward that allowed current undergraduatewomen to speak informally with older and presumably wiser alumnae. I attended the event with my best friend since our freshman year in 1973. You girls glazed over at preliminary comments about our professional accomplishments and the importance of networking. Then the conversation shifted in tone and interest level when one of you asked how have Kendall and I sustained a friendship for 40 years. You asked if we were ever jealous of each other. You asked about the value of our friendship, about our husbands and children. Clearly, you don’t want any more career advice. At your core, you know that there are other things that you need that nobody is addressing. A lifelong friend is one of them. Finding the right man to marry is another.

When I was an undergraduate in the mid-seventies, the 200 pioneer women in my class would talk about navigating the virile plains of Princeton as a precursor to professional success. Never being one to shy away from expressing an unpopular opinion, I said that I wanted to get married and have children. It was seen as heresy.

For most of you, the cornerstone of your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry, and you will never again have this concentration of men who are worthy of you.

Here’s what nobody is telling you: Find a husband on campus before you graduate. Yes, I went there.

I am the mother of two sons who are both Princetonians. My older son had the good judgment and great fortune to marry a classmate of his, but he could have married anyone. My younger son is a junior and the universe of women he can marry is limitless. Men regularly marry women who are younger, less intelligent, less educated. It’s amazing how forgiving men can be about a woman’s lack of erudition, if she is exceptionally pretty. Smart women can’t (shouldn’t) marry men who aren’t at least their intellectual equal. As Princeton women, we have almost priced ourselves out of the market. Simply put, there is a very limited population of men who are as smart or smarter than we are. And I say again — you will never again be surrounded by this concentration of men who are worthy of you.

Of course, once you graduate, you will meet men who are your intellectual equal — just not that many of them. And, you could choose to marry a man who has other things to recommend him besides a soaring intellect. But ultimately, it will frustrate you to be with a man who just isn’t as smart as you.

Here is another truth that you know, but nobody is talking about. As freshman women, you have four classes of men to choose from. Every year, you lose the men in the senior class, and you become older than the class of incoming freshman men. So, by the time you are a senior, you basically have only the men in your own class to choose from, and frankly, they now have four classes of women to choose from. Maybe you should have been a little nicer to these guys when you were freshmen?

If I had daughters, this is what I would be telling them.


Susan A. Patton ’77
President of the Class of 1977
New York, N.Y.